I’m not a big fan of yoga. If yoga were an animal, in my view, it would most closely resemble a disgruntled badger. The P90X version of yoga is like a disgruntled badger mated with a rabid wolverine and sired the closest living embodiment of the devil.

My body hurt afterwards. My legs ached. I was dripping sweat everywhere. And for the first time doing these videos, I was getting visibly angry with Tony Horton and “Adam” (one of the guys in the video doing the workout with you). Why was I angry? Because for me, yoga is agony. It’s very much like being torn apart by a devil incarnate bastard wolverbadger. I don’t stretch too well. My body is tight. My legs are tight. My arms are tight. My hips are tight. I’ve never been good at stretching. I don’t usually care. It’s rare I need to double over myself and put my leg behind my back while my arms are sticking straight out; even the kinkiest sex positions rarely involve this maneuver (note that I never say “never”). This being the case, an hour and a half of yoga is certifiable torture for me. Waterboarding sounds bad; having sharp sticks stuck under my fingernails certainly would suck, but I’d pick it over yoga.

I think I called Tony Horton an asshole at least twice during the yoga video. And “Adam” only made it worse. The guy made stretching look easy. I know he’s a dancer or whatever and stretching is probably a big part of his life, but I felt like it was being rubbed in my face when he was able to stretch so far forward he needed extra yoga blocks past his feet to touch, while I’m struggling to touch my toes as my entire body wells up with breath-stealing pain, the likes of which no man should ever have to feel.

So yeah, thank God I only have to do the Yoga video 9 more times. Yippee.

4 days down. 86 days to go.

~ Kip

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